As a coach, one of the things I am most interested in identifying in a client is their values system. We all have values. While we all share some common human values, we also have different values for different settings: work, personal, relationship, cultural etc.
If you watch the news you know this all too well. America is at odds to great extent on our differing values. Our differences used to be our strength. But we seem to have lost the ability to discuss them.
When your values are understood, making decisions about personal changes becomes easier. You do what is consistent and congruent with your value system. A coach’s job is to be your referee and cheerleader.
Values formation begins at home with your parent(s). Values shape our behavior and we teach them to our kids as our parents taught us: truthfulness, kindness, love, service, respect, compassion, friendship, freedom, etc. Friends become important value influencers, too. The friends we had as teenagers tend to change in adulthood because our value system matures as we age. Education, life experience and workplaces also shape our values. It’s debatable if media is a good value influencer these days.
“A highly developed values system is like a compass. It serves as a guide to point you in the right direction when you are lost.” ― Idowu Koyenikan
These influencers define how we think, how we behave and what we pursue…and not pursue. Without values, we would lack empathy which is a short path to greed and intellectual discourse. Our good character is defined by the things we value.
“Values are who you are even when no one is watching”….Unknown
So in coaching, a client’s values are held in high regard. As life/career changes are discussed, targeted and pursued, it is vital that a client’s value systems are held intact. Additionally, any life/career changes you make need to be evaluated against those around you and their values. Friends and family have a stake in any changes you make. They are big contributors to how successful you will be, too. It is important for you to communicate effectively with those who are important to you. The more radical or innovative you changes are, the more they need to be clued into the new you.
“Open your arms to change but don’t let go of your values”…Dalai Lama
It is also important to re-evaluate relationships that are negatively impacting your value system. I often see this stated as a client goal of ‘putting positivity into my thinking.’ Upon investigation, it is common for client’s to have people, places or things that are hold them back from their goals. When it is something close to you it is hard to put them on hold but sometimes it is necessary to enable you to make the changes you want for yourself.
“When you have to start compromising yourself or your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you”….Billy Frank Alexander
Values are permanent and changeable. Our values as a teenager changed thank goodness! Many values are permanent and unchangeable such as the value of human life. Others are changeable. Life events such as getting married and having kids as big influencers on what we value for our adult selves and our family.
We are wired to accept and process new information. This mental flexibility allows us to modify our values and associated the behaviors. First we come to know them then keep the ones most sacred to us. Then we evaluate the ones that help us change and the ones that will hold us back from change. Then we formulate our coaching goals and tactics within the context of our values.
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